BDSM and Tantric Polarity: How power exchange can take us deeper
I’m currently in a year-long course exploring the dynamics of Tantric polarity with the incredible Katrina Bos, and this week our main topic was Structure vs Chaos. As I simultaneously prep to teach two BDSM workshops, it got me reflecting on how Structure and Chaos show up in BDSM scenes as well as Tantric relating.
In my private work with couples, I often see this dynamic playing out:
One partner yearns for full surrender, but has a hard time letting go of control. This may be a reflection of the other partner’s lack of confidence, or it may simply be their own programming that keeps them clinging to the steering wheel.
In either scenario, it creates a sense of stagnation where neither partner is really able to enjoy the gifts of the dominant or submissive role. There is no polarity.
How Structure and Chaos show up in BDSM:
The very prevalent desire for surrender comes from our yearning to reconnect with our inner chaos.
We live in a culture where structure is prioritized, chaos is tightly managed, and mystery is denied.
This shows up as:
constantly being in the masculine mode of managing and organizing, never leaving time for creativity and play
bypassing our difficult emotions in favour of projecting our idealized selves
denying our inner shadows, or anything inside us that feels messy, conflicted, or paradoxical
And so Chaos (the feminine), becomes impoverished. In this setting, it becomes hard to let go of composure, to access our own messiness.
Yet for true intimacy to occur, we long for those deeper parts to be seen, to be witnessed in our totality rather than the idealized facade. This is where conscious power exchange (dominance and submission) reveals a beautiful solution.
Structure lives in the body as much as it lives in the mind. Those who cling to control and micro-management will feel its imprint through constrictions in the soma.
Through dominance and submission, one can choose to formally hand over the polarity of structure (masculine) to a trusted other, while going deep into their chaos (feminine).
The dominant consciously takes on the role of guiding the scene, managing the details, and ensuring that everyone is safe and cared for. They ensure that the submissive doesn’t need to think, by providing clear instructions at every moment. Further to that, they may even impose a “physical structure” in the form of bondage, or holding the submissive tightly, so that the sub can move even deeper in chaos, knowing that they’re fully contained.
The gift of dominance is to be the mover, the space holder, the sacred container in which the chaos of the feminine can unfold.
The submissive, on the other end, gets to enter the mystery. They may not know everything that’s about to occur, and that’s part of the beauty. Their only option is to be with what is, and to practice receiving each moment as it occurs. They get to swim in the realms of sensation and emotion, without needing to hold anything together. Most importantly, they are witnessed and held in the attention of the dominant in this profoundly raw and vulnerable state.
The gift of submission is to surrender, to open to the mystery, and feel the totality of oneself.
When two people can polarize in this way in a space of love and trust, true magic can happen.
This is why I’m excited to be teaching two workshops on dominance and submission this month.
The first will be a 2h introductory workshop on zoom, where couples will learn to embody these energies in a deeper way, and develop the skills to begin using power exchange as a way to create polarity in their lovemaking. [Learn more here.]
The second will be a live 2-day intensive, held at one of Toronto’s premier dungeon spaces, where we’ll go deep into various flavours and dimensions of dominance and submission, and couples will practice hands-on skills for creating scenes and creating magical sensory journeys as part of their play. [Learn more here]
If you’ve been curious to understand the inner dynamics of power exchange and how to weave these polarities into your lovemaking, then join me this month. Tickets are limited.